By Noryne Mascarella
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At the moment in time the wife finds out about her husband's use of pornography, sexually acting out or sexual addiction, her world is forever changed. Most women describe this as a time of numbness, shock, hurt, anger, despair and confusion. They feel inadequate, deceived, rejected, responsible, desperate and very confused. The life they thought they had no longer exists. She may even wonder if she even knows this man she calls her husband. This can be an incredibly painful time for many women. This is especially true for a wife whose husband is in the ministry. I counsel with many wives during this painful time and I have found that the more isolated the wife is the more time it will take for healing to take place and the more pain she remains in. |
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Many wives also feel responsible, blaming themselves for their husband's need to view porn or act out sexually. They often believe if they were sexier or more sexually responsive and available their husbands would not have to or need to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere. This simply is not true. One thing you need to know as truth: YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT AND YOU CANNOT CURE IT. Another huge confusion for the wife is, "How could he
do this if he says he loves me?" and "How is it possible
to make love to me and then later get out of bed and look for
pornography on TV or the Internet?" |
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| WHY AM I NOT TO BLAME OR RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS USE OF PORNOGRAPHY OR SEXUAL ADDICTION? | |
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This question is one of the first questions a wife asks. She wants to know what she did wrong and why she isn't enough to satisfy her husband. Also, she wants to know what she can do to stop his acting out. She has a hard time believing that she didn't some how contribute to the problem. Remember: You have nothing to do with your husband acting out. Why am I not to blame? Your husband was probably like this way before he met you. It most likely began in childhood or adolescence, growing day-by-day and getting an unyielding grip on his life. |
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| All addictions get worse over time, much like that of an alcoholic. Over time any addiction will begin to erode away at the personhood of the individual. The addiction takes on a life of its own and has nothing to do with you. Nothing you were doing or not doing was making the addiction worse. You are there in his life and perhaps a witness to the behavioral changes because of the pornography's impact on his life, but it doesn't make you responsible. He would struggle with pornography no matter whom he married. | |
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WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO TRUST HIM AGAIN? Trust takes time; sometimes a long time, to rebuild. Trust
can never be regained until there is a change in his behavior.
IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR US? There is hope if YOU do the work necessary to recover. You have been damaged, betrayed, lied to and hurt over the years. You are going to need to heal too. This is your personal responsibility. You cannot blame him if you do not heal. |
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